Seriously. All I want to do is sell this mother****er and be on my merry way back home. Is that too much to ask? It’s a Queen (like me), and in pristine condition. The title wrongfully implies that this bed has seen its fair share of action, but this is far from the truth - unless you count all those sweaty nights with your mom.

So please give me a break and buy this lovely bed from me before I skip town - hell, I’ll throw in a free goddamn basket of homemade cookies.

Serious inquiries only, or you’ll have an angry Mrs. Rochester-type on your hands.